These last few days have been chaotic. I though things would calm down after we got through the first week and memorial service.  I was mistaken. I am having to learn to not have expectations of how life will be. When Sonny was here, we seemed to be on a constant up and down with his cancer. We would get “new news” , experience the emotions that it brought, then pull together and move on. This is different.  Perhaps it is because he is not here. I cannot count how many time I have thought or started to say “go ask your dad/I need to ask/tell Sonny”. It is fresh pain every time I realize he is not here. The feeling of not being able to take a full breath is oppressive. I have never experienced anything like this.

The kids are still spending most of their time with me, I believe thy are worried about me being alone, even Charlie. He has been sleeping with me some nights. The other night he struggled with sleeping with me or in the room with his parents. I assured him that I would be fine. But he kept saying  that he was worried about me. I let him bring me one of his stuffed animals so he would feel OK about not being there.  I think that they also don’t want to leave here, it will be hard to go home. This is our home with so many memories of Sonny. He is evident at every turn.

I have decided that dealing with  banks and companies can be a good  or terrible experience. The bank is driving me crazy. There should be an easy to understand instruction manual for what tot do when a spouse dies. BUT there is not and it stinks.  Some companies have easy policies and others (my bank) are just plain stupid.  I cannot understand why some people need to make things so difficult for a surviving spouse.

We are just trying to find grace for each moment and allowing ourselves to move through this stage of sadness/grief/mourning…..so many words could be put here. So many emotions and new experiences. It is easy to give grace to another but often not to oneself. We are all in this process of learning to do that and it is one of the most difficult things to do. That..and breathing.