It happened more than a few times in our marriage. I would be sound asleep and sit up look at Sonny and ask him, “Who are you and what are you doing here?”. He would laugh, tell me who he was and to go back to sleep, which I would promptly do. I have no recollection of ever doing this and at some point I evidently knew him enough to stop asking.

Our family has been living with the dread of these days for a long time. Sonny was diagnosed with cancer in early 2002 and we had no idea what was in store for us. The first years were filled with surgeries and radiation treatments. His cancer was rare and the doctors really had no idea how to best care for him. The kids would want to go to summer camp or on vacation and we wouldn’t. I would say, “we don’t know what’s going to happen with your dad, so we had better not.” It was a hard existence.

Sometime along the way we learned to live with his diagnosis. His last surgery  ( before the amputation in 2013) was in 2004. He would go for a year or more without even a visit to the doctor, because it was futile. They would send him in circles to the next specialist, who would in turn send him to the next and eventually he would end up where he started. Despite these long times of no treatment the threat of cancer and death hung over our heads. It might not be the first thing we thought of, but it was ever-present.

As time progressed it became apparent what was in my personal future, aloneness. We had our children close together, because we wanted to be young when they were grown, so we could do fun things (ironic, huh?). When our daughter got married I realized that the others would follow the path to being ‘grown up’s ‘ in quick succession. I was so sad after Alyssa got married, no only because she was the first to really leave the nest but because I felt the fear of the aloneness grab at my heart. We were on vacation and  went out for dinner,  Sonny tried to cheer me up with a margarita ( which usually does a marvelous job). Instead I cried and dripped snot and salty tears into my pizza. I was a hot, fairly tipsy mess.

As the kids have moved on, three are married and one is a senior in college, I have become used to the idea of them leaving. I have realized that the relationships with them grow and change and often get better. It is a joy to gain new daughters and a son; grandchildren are fabulous. Grown children need to live on their own because they are well…grown. They have lives and exciting things to do and become which do not necessarily need or involve me, That is after all what we raised them to do right?

Being a widow is terribly lonely. I tend to isolate myself as well, making it worse. I have come to realize this time which I have been dreading these many years is here and now. Sometimes I see myself and I think who in the world are you and what are you doing here? 

All those fears have come to pass. Sonny is gone. I have all theses decisions to make, alone. I sleep in a bed alone every. single. night. I make the decisions. I make the money. I  pay the bills.  I feel woefully inadequate and alone and I hate it.

Except

Except

I am doing it. Somehow, I am making decisions (not all good mind you) but they are my decisions. I am making the money, I am changing my job because after prayer and lots of thinking, it was the right thing to do for me.. I actually get some sleep every night, even if I am alone. I wake up each and every day, put my big girl bloomers on and do all the things..or at least…. some of the things and that is ok. It is more than ok, it is (as Sonny would say) bloody brilliant!

Perhaps for the first time in my life, when I see myself there are answers to the big question of who are you and what are you doing here.  I once identified myself as a wife, no more. I am still a mother even though my kids don’t need me as they once did. I am discovering the Theresa of today and now.  I am doing it whatever it might be for that moment. It might not be done the best way or even correctly, I might not really want to even do it, but what matters it that I. Am. Doing. It! 

I know I am not the only one that has ever faced the thing they dreaded for so long. Oh how I dreaded these days!  Oh how I sometimes HATE my circumstances!  But they are here, it is now and I am surviving. I tell you dear one, you too can do whatever it is. You are braver that you think and stronger that you know.