What does a smile mean to me these days? What did a smile imply during the first long year after Sonny’s death?

Does it imply to observers that all is good or does it mask the real heart?

The truth lies somewhere in between. So many have told me that the second year is worse than the first….so damm, I am afraid. I cannot imagine it being much worse that the long terrible first months after he left. I wait with bated breath….

I see photos of me with giant smiles on my face and wonder what people think. Do they think I’ve just moved on, that the hurt is all better?

I think the point of this is to say this. Please don’t assume that when you see a smile, that the person is doing well. I thought about killing myself . Truth is I didn’t want to live….inversely the truth is that I didn’t want to die….I just didn’t know how I was going to live. It was terrible existing in that place… I felt utterly alone and forgotten. I felt that if I died no one would even know until I didn’t show up to work on Monday afternoon.

But during that time there were photos of me smiling…

I say this now to come clean to folks, not for myself but for others. So that if you are out there feeling this way you will not feel alone. I read/heard someone say that they had built a nice island for themselves out of “I’m fine”. The most difficult part of widowhood is the loneliness and isolation it creates. My husband was gone, my family was far away and unaware of how I was feeling. Because I didn’t tell them and they didn’t ask. Friends and acquaintances had moved on in their lives. I felt needy and I hated that feeling. I felt exposed and vulnerable and I absolutely detested feeling that way!  I had a couple of friends that were life vests for me and one day, desperate,  I called one, sobbed and confessed my deep pain. I knew somewhere that if I didn’t tell someone there would be no way they could know how to help, how to support and how to love me. She stopped what she was doing and allowed me to wail, then she told me I could call her at any time. I choose to believe her and did continue to reach out.

Why an I writing this now, today? Honestly, I do not know. Perhaps there is someone who needs to hear. Widowhood, loss is hard. Divorce is hard. The death/loss of ANYONE you love is devastating. Life itself is hard- there are struggling people everywhere. Let us be people who reach out to those who are hurting. Let me be the kind of person that reaches out to those who are in pain. Let me be a life jacket and not so wrapped up in myself that I cannot see the wounded…Help me to stop assuming…

So back to the smiles, What do they imply? They are the expression of a broken/fractured//paralyzed/ ravaged/ disconnected woman.  One who, through the mercy of a loving God and the tender love of a few is becoming connected/ mended/able/liberated/tenacious. She is finding out who she is. There are days when she actually likes what she sees in the mirror, Some days she smiles at her inner worth and beauty. She no longer wants to die, she wants to and is learning to live; but the broken girl is inexorably an integral part of her being.