After Josh graduated from high school our family took a trip to the Outer Banks and allowed he and Alyssa to bring friends. We had our 4 and about 6-7 other kids.. and stayed in the town of Rodanthe.
We were out on the beach and the waves were rough. The kids were only in water right above their knees and Sonny was videotaping them. Every one, except me, was out in the ocean, two who could not swim at all. As a mother always does I had my eagle eye on them. Our youngest started to drift to the side and one of the other boys went toward him with a boogie board ( note this was one of the boys that could not swim). Right before my very eyes they were swept out to sea. It was so sudden that none of the kids that were right beside them noticed nor did Sonny who was videotaping those very kids….
I screamed and ran into the ocean, no one could hear me because the wind was so strong and my voice went behind me. Without a thought to the right or wrong of the decision I ran after them and thought I would get to them. They were so far out that I could not even see them.
I ran right into an area beside the rip current which was washing out a house. I was not swept out toward them but into this…vortex of water which was crushing me on every side. I am a decent swimmer but I was in a panic and I tried swimming and could not go in any direction. The waves were buffeting me on every side and I knew I was going to die. I was afraid for myself and the boys. All of the sudden I heard God speak as clear as He has ever spoken to me.
Theresa stop! Calm down! Be still!
It was as if He shook me by the shoulders and a peace which I cannot explain overtook me. I started to pray in a way that I had never done before. That very morning I had read from Psalm 29
3 The voice of the Lord is upon the waters;
The God of glory thunders,
The Lord is over a]”>[a]many waters.
4 The voice of the Lord is powerful,
The voice of the Lord is majestic.
5 The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars;
Yes, the Lord breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon.
6 He makes Lebanon skip like a calf,
And Sirion like a young wild ox.
7 The voice of the Lord hews out b]”>[b]flames of fire.
8 The voice of the Lordc]”>[c]shakes the wilderness;
The Lord shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.
9 The voice of the Lord makes the deer to calve
And strips the forests bare;
And in His temple everything says, “Glory!”
I had thought it amazing to read this as I looked out over the ocean, little did I know what was in store for us just a little later that morning. I began to pray and it was one of the most powerful prayers I have ever heard come out of my mouth. I called down Heaven and on the Name of The Lord to save the boys. I felt the palpable hosts of heaven along with the Spirit of God move over that water. It was if my eyes were opened to their presence and the next thing I knew was that I felt solid ground under my feet where before I could barely tread water.
I walked out of the ocean, far down from where I started and saw a woman and two men. I ran to them and asked them to call 911 because the boys were out there. I will never forget this woman, she put her arm around me and told me not to worry. She said that her husband and son had saved many people and they would go after them. She prayed with me and held my hand. Before my very eyes they pulled in not two, but three people. One of the girls had gone after them with her boogie board and they could not get back.
Soon it became apparent that there was more rescuing to be done as the other boy, who could not swim, had gotten into the place where I was sucked. He was going down and pushing himself up above the water to breathe. He was exhausted and had gone down for the last time- or so he thought. A hand reached in and pulled him to safety. An ambulance was called for him, but he was ok. Again my middle son was also in the same vortex.. A very strong swimmer but he could not get out. He was also rescued by the surfer. He had pushed the young man who could not swim off because he had been panicking and pulling him under. He was beside himself because he thought the young man had drowned.
Everyone came out of the ocean and for that I was and am forever thankful.
but
only one came out without the aid of another physical person..
I am the only person that day that walked out of that water.
So long ago yet I will never forget a moment. I can still see the scene if I close my eyes and think on it. I have never been both more frightened nor more at peace. I felt the very presence of the Lord Almighty. I felt the Spirit MOVE. The fear was not gone, but it was covered in a way I cannot explain.
Why do I bring this up today?
Well it is an amazing story on its own. A testament to the power of God and of prayer. I often wonder if the woman and two men were angels….I don’t recall seeing them again. It was if she was expecting me to walk out of the water to her.
But lately I have been struggling…Today there have been tears, tears and more ugly hot snotty tears (I hate crying with a passion). I have been struggling with God. I have asked for clarity and direction for many years but especially these last 18 months since Sonny’s death. What have I heard?
Nothing.
I’ve told Him about my dreams, wants, hopes, sorrow and disappointments. I’ve told Him I’ll go anywhere and use my nursing degree to serve if I could just hear from Him. I’ve told Him about my dream of a farmhouse and a wedding venue. I want a legacy for my children. I want to use it to help other women, women who are struggling to make it. Women who are trying to raise children alone. Maybe women who have been abused and trafficked…I need to be used by Him. I desire for my life to speak for something, to live out a such passionate life that makes waves for the Kingdom of Heaven here and in eternity.
I’ve told Him of my terrible loneliness. This house is an echo of what it used to be..I realized that I always “sleep” (haha) with something ( be it a pile of clothes, blankets or pillows) next to me so the bed feels less empty. Sonny and I talked about my future before he died. He wouldn’t say much, but he was adamant about one thing. He told me I must get remarried. I was so angry but he made me sit and listen, telling me that I was young and encouraging me to trust and find love again.
I’ve been unable to pray, except when I got drunk a couple of times, alone mind you. Then I really prayed. I don’t remember to much of what I said exactly – but out it came with those ugly, snotty, hot tears that singe your face. I encourage you not to judge or scratch your head…grief is hard and ugly. I have been mad as hell at God because He will not be clear, because he took my family away, because He has left me utterly alone. He will not speak and neither could I.
Last weekend Alyssa and I went away to the mountains. We were sitting inside the cabin and started dreaming about owning property and building farmhouses and all the things God might do with it… I was struggling because of other things which had happened the 3 weeks before we traveled. I had let myself be vulnerable in the dating arena and was having feelings for someone. It was/is unsure at best and I was anxious and angry at myself for allowing myself to …feel…There is more to this but to even speak here openly that I am even open to dating makes me slightly nauseous.
I asked her to pray with me and for the first time in 18 months, I really prayed and felt the presence of the Lord. I felt Him calling me back to the place of open-handed living. I have been living with a closed fist- angry and reaching for anything to feel alive, to fill the giant void left in my broken heart.
So today, this ugly cry day… while praying ( once the dam broke it seems I cannot shut up) God spoke to me about the time in the water. The time He clearly called me by name and told me to calm down and be still. I asked Him what it means to be still…and I saw that I am being buffeted on every side by life, by fears, by questions unanswered, by this looming, fragile, future. I am acutely aware of the time left in life and do not want to waste a minute. Yet here I am – waiting…Patience is definitely not my greatest strength. I vividly remember the feeling of sand under my feet and knowing that I was going to walk out of that ocean. I knew then that it was a miracle and I know it now.
I want to walk out of this place where I am knocked on every side because I am at the end of Theresa and her ability to cope. At.The End..I cannot do this any longer, I have fought God for 18 months and it has been the most wearisome time of my life. I’ve been fighting tears, anger, disappointment, anxiety, loneliness, and heartbreak. I want to stop, calm down and be still. My own mother told me yesterday to be still. Be still and know that I am God. I have lost my True North and it is time to find Him again. HE has to be enough. HE has the be the calm in the storm. HE has to be the balm on my broken heart. HE has to be my husband and true love. I have to feel solid ground beneath my feet again.
So, if I do come to the end of myself and know that I am done, what awaits? The end of me is the beginning of God, the begining of His work in me in this hard hard area. To be honest He is already done so much and has been hard at work but if I stop fighting perhaps I will hear and see. I will have the clarity which I have been craving. So I am going to :
stop
calm down
be still
Momma T's Place 
Being still is not easy. our impatience wants to take over and rush things. He is with you. He can part the waters, move the mountains so why cannot He handle something as simple as your life? I know this was hard to write and some of these feelings are hard to admit, but if you hide them in the dark they will attack you and hurt you. stay open… I love you and I am proud of you.
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