After they’ve gone, this phrase, keeps resonating in my head and when that happens I know its time to write.

I think about myself- a widow, an empty nester, a woman, seemingly alone in the world. I think about the other moms out there whose lives have taken the turn towards the same path, a myriad of reasons why they find themselves in this place . I must also consider the men- who find themselves in an empty home after they’ve gone. Some of you  are older- like my mother and aunt, some are younger but all share the same condition of aloneness…

Look up the synonyms for the word alone:

abandoned, companionless, deserted, desolate, isolated, forlorn

And some with a more….positive view..

batching it,  me and my shadow,  me, myself and I , and traveling light….

No matter how you slant it, after they’ve gone you might not be in a happy joyous place, because you find yourself alone.

I have learned to live in the place of aloneness over these last 2.5+ years since Sonny died. I have my dog- who is always nearby. He has truly been a saving grace for me. I enjoy being able to sit in a clean home. I can go and come as I please. It’s the coming and going  of those that I once poured my life into that I have discovered to be the most difficult after they’ve gone.

All but my oldest and his wife were here of Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day. It was good- intentional, and peaceful. The littles were so excited. I had asked them what their plans were for the afternoon- not so I could beg them to stay but so that I could prepare for them to go. You, who are in my shoes, know what I mean. What the absolute silence of a home is like after they’ve gone. 

My daughter was the last to leave and she asked me if I was going to be ok. My brave self said yes but my eyes and tears said ..maybe not.. She hugged me, I cursed my leaking eyes because I am not upset that they are leaving and I didn’t want her to worry about me. NO!  I am happy they have two families, other people to love  and to love them. I just have to get used to the sounds of silence again…I have to reacclimatize myself to the life of…  me, myself and I ( and the dog). I thought, and said, it wasn’t supposed to be this way…but it is…after they’ve gone.

The benefit of being in my shoes is that I have eyes that can see more clearly. so I see you.

Parent who has to share the children at Christmas because of divorce. I see your loneliness in the quiet after they’ve gone.

Child who has lost their parent to death,  I see your tears as you walk with the ghosts of Christmas past after they’ve gone.

Parent who has grown children- who might not even be able to come home. I see your heartache as you learn to navigate the new normal after they’ve gone.

Widow, I see your pain….. It was not supposed to be this way. But it is,  after they’ve gone.

There is no easy answer, no solution, nor much advice I can share. Sometimes you just have to do what is necessary to get to the next day. I think it will always sting- as the heart which has loved cannot just unlove after they’ve gone.

Theresa