The girls and I have been given the gift of a weekend away at a friends lake house. I am so thankful for a moment’s respite from my home, with all of its mess  and ever present memories of Sonny. Everywhere and everything I see or touch brings a memory or wave of sadness. I hoped that by coming here, having a bit of quiet that I might hear God’s voice or presence.

Someone asked me yesterday if I was feeling God’s presence during this hard time and I didn’t know what to say. …. I feel that I am in a place where a fog has put a boundary between me and everything else.  I know God is there but the fog is so thick that I find it hard to reach Him.

Do you know what it is like to be in a room or outside with thick humidity? Where you feel like you are almost breathing water and your lungs cannot expand properly? That is how I feel. I have never experienced this great physical pain from sadness. I said yesterday that I understand the word heartbreak.  It is a real physical feeling.  My heart hurts and sometimes it is suffocating.

But……..!…..what I can say is that although I do feel this great sadness, this aloneness and fog, I do not feel despair. I am being held in an upright position and reminded daily to look forward or up, away from this place of misery.

I am convinced that this is my walk. God has ordained this journey and to try and avoid it would be wrong and perilous to my and my family’s well-being.

The girls and I sat up until almost 2 last night, talking and sharing. I am so blown away by the way Sonny touched their lives. He fond it easy to love them during his last days and shared so many beautiful things with them that they have in turn shared with me. He found it difficult to share his hurt with me, I think perhaps because it hurt him to leave me. That was and continues to be very painful for me. We didn’t have a perfect love but we had a real one, full of forgiveness and grace for each other. 30+ years had given us that and I will forever be thankful for that.

I was sitting on the deck this morning, all alone  and listening to the sounds of the early morning lake. Ducks, boats, splashes of fishing lines hitting the water. Peaceful. Then I heard a louder bird singing a beautiful song.  I looked up and a tiny bird was beside me, singing. I was amazed at how much sound could come out of such a small body and at its beauty. He/she stayed on the deck with me for a long time, moving here and there singing away.  There is a lesson here! I know it  even though I can’t see it clearly.

I will life up my voice to sing Your praise, O my strength.  For you came to my defense. O God, You have shown me Your loving mercy. Psalm 59:17