Today I read from James chapter 1. I have found the NLT to be easy to read and understand, so that’s what I have been reading lately.  I started like this;

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way consider it an importunity for great joy.

Really God ? Hmmm

I certainly do not feel ¨great Joy¨ but never the less I read on.

 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

I have been reading a book called Option B written by Sheryl Sandburg, in which she tells the story of grief after loosing her husband. She states resilience is a muscle, you are not born with a set amount, you must exercise that muscle to increase your resilience. Resilience and endurance are somewhat related to each other, meaning being pliable, tested, adaptable, having staying power etc etc.

So I read on in James.

 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.  But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.  Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

I have read this chapter many times but some words stuck out to me today. Wisdom. Divided loyalty. Generous God….Faith…Endurance.

One of the greatest struggles that I have had is knowing what to do. I feel lost. I feel ungrounded. I feel that everything my life has been based on has disappeared with Thomas.  Life seems empty. I know in my head that it is not empty. I just cannot seem to get my heart to come along and join in truth. As I wrote earlier this week, I am also trying to let go of the expectation that i should be able to do x,y or z. I am lucky to get out of bed some days.  Other days I seem to have a kind of productive ¨normal¨day.  I am the unsettled person in James, tossed this way and that. I give myself grace here, the loss of a spouse is bitter but I do not like the unsettled feeling.  I do not like it at all.

I have been difficult to live with. I have a short fuse and struggle with patience with myself and others. I play every decision in my head over and over. I am tying to make ALL THE DECISIONS. Today. Right now. It does cause even more stress on me and others. I went to see a grief counselor and in a few short minutes she pointed out that I have a great sense of RESPONSIBILITY. I am afraid of my future, my finances and of ALL THE DECISIONS.

The passage in James was subtitled ¨Faith and Endurance¨. So somehow my resilience, endurance, pliability and intestinal fortitude is greatly related to my faith. And wisdom is also related to my faith, not in myself, good advice, family, finances or even circumstances. I am asking God to help me understand this mystery of faith. I am asking God to help me see that these trials, troubles, tests, challenges…are an opportunity for joy.  I am asking God to give me wisdom and undivided loyalty in Him alone so that ALL THE DECISIONS become simply made with faith.  I am asking Him for peace and to calm the waters which are knocking at all of our family, not only myself.

So today I set up an altar of remembrance. On this day God entered into my mess and spoke. He gave me this passage, this book and His grace to move forward. To leave the decisions for now and simply trust Him. He knows I will forget and go back. That is what an alter of remembrance is for, to remind us of what God has done. He has never let me down, why should I expect Him to suddenly start now?