You call me out upon the waters

the great unknown where feet may fail

and there I find you in the mystery

In oceans deep

my faith will stand

The first time we returned to church after Sonny lost his leg Alyssa surprised us by singing this song. Neither Sonny or I had ever heard it and I remember the tears streaming down my eyes as she sang. She ministered to us that day and many times before and after the amputation.

Jesus called Peter out on the water. The disciples were terrified of the sight of a man walking on water, but Jesus told them to have courage, take courage, don’t be afraid. He said, ¨I am here¨.

Sonny wanted to go to church on Easter sunday even though he was not well and could hardly get out of the house. He was short of breath with even a little exertion and had nausea that could not be controlled by medication so he threw up often, but he was determined. We had planned to go to church with Alyssa and Frank then try to go on a picnic afterward. It became obvious that the picnic wouldn´t work for various reasons so I offered to host everyone at the house. Then I decided that the house was messy and proceeded to worry about how I was going to get it clean before the next morning. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to go to church because I had to clean and I was tired.  If he couldn´t go I could sleep a little later before I had to get up and clean. We went back and forth  and he emphatically told me to ¨Let it go, it doesn´t matter,  I want to go¨.

He was so looking forward to Easter this year. And he was ready to go. He was ready to go to God. He was suffering. He was a little angry with God because He hadn´t taken him yet. He couldn´t understand why he was still here.

That night at around three twenty he did go. I will always remember the events of the night and someday I will write about it. I have so many things in my heart about his death. But i remember when I realized that he was dying I kept saying, ¨it´s ok, Jesus is here¨ Jesus is here…..

Afterwards I kept thinking about those words between us and his emphatically telling me that he wanted to go.

Yesterday I wanted to go to church. I had not been since October because of Sonny´s illness and my work schedule. I knew that I needed and was ready to go but didn´t think I could go to my home church. I though I would just cry because seeing people is hard. Seeing people who know Sonny and loved him is harder. I thought If I go somewhere I do not know people, I would not cry.

You all know how this is going to end, right? Not only did I cry, I ugly cried . But it was good. God met me there in a huge way. I was ministered to by those strangers in a way I cannot express. The pastor spoke about what it means to be filled with the Holy Spirit to overflowing. He prayed over us to be filled, to live lives without fear, to love people well. I knew God was speaking to me asking me if I am ready, not to go like Sonny, but to live this new life that He is giving me. I get a new start. It´s not one that I would have chosen. It is not one that I enjoy at present but it is a new life. A fresh start.

Your Grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You´ve never failed and you won´t start now

So I will call upon Your Name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise, My soul will rest in your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

This is my prayer, among many others.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk among the waters

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper that my feet could ever wander

And my faith could be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon your name

and keep my eyes above the waves

my soul will rest in your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

I accept this new life, this fresh start and the opportunity to do something different. I know God is calling me to something. I have no idea what it is. That is frightening to me. Remember, I am a person who feels the need to make ALL THE DECISIONS. But God has called me to something different. Sonny told me he was ready and in so many ways encouraged us all to move forward, without him. He knew Jesus was there with him. Jesus is here with us, through His Spirit and I want to be filled to overflowing.