These last few days have been heavy. Today marks one month since Sonny died. Saturday was our 29th wedding anniversary and Sunday was exactly 4 weeks. Heavy, sad milestones. There have been tears at unexpected times and a lot of crying out to God, asking for strength and a bit of peace.

Yesterday I started cleaning and rearranging our bedroom, now my bedroom. It was our sanctuary and it is where he died. I knew he would most likely die in there and I knew that I dreaded not only the event but the after. I still have flash backs to the night he died, of each and every thing that was said or done and the memory of his last breath is vividly imprinted on my mind. The rest of the family is also struggling with this and I can tell you it is most unpleasant. I sleep, or attempted to sleep there every night. His things are there, most of his clothing, and all of his personal belongings but he is not present. It is an empty and lonely feeling. I miss him terribly.

So I decided, with encouragement from the family, to try to make the room different. Mine.  I have been alone most of the day and when I have come across something of his it usually ended in tears. I cried over his wallet, his Bible, a shoe I found under the bed etc. I did laundry and washed the last of his things. I will not wash another load of his clothing.

I cleaned up a lot of cards and letters from the last few years and gained encouragement from them again. Some were written to him, others to me. They were beautiful. I am so thankful for those words of love poured out upon us before and after he died. I can tell you that they meant so very much to him as well. I am so thankful for renewed friendships from our past!  I had Pandora on and so many words of encouragement came out in the music, encouraging me to look up and trust God.

It is easy to question almost everything. I find myself looking back at the times I was selfish or when I acted wrong. I so wish I had been more loving and patient. Hindsight certainly is 20/20. But I am reminded that there is no way to go but forward.

My room is different, still the same but rearranged. My life is being rearranged also. It is a dusty messy process but a necessary one. I miss him every day and night. I do not like sleeping alone. I hope I am becoming a better person, kinder, more patient and less selfish. I am praying for change so that I can live a life with fewer regrets. We are all human and make mistakes but I really hope that God will use this in me for good. There is truly no way to go but forward.