I am sitting at my desk in my newly rearranged room, contemplating my new life. I actually thought about it a lot even before Sonny died. I asked him what I should do so many times. He wouldn’t give me an answer and it hurt.  I couldn’t imagine life after he died and the idea of moving forward was huge and impossible. I thought I needed his guidance.

Now I know why he would not tell me what to do. I always considered our marriage to be fairly equal. He was never a man to make all the decisions without asking for my input. He did care about what I thought and valued my opinions. But I let him do so many things for us, taxes, big-ticket purchases ( computers, cars…), and other things. I did the taxes with him for the first time on the Friday before he died, he was determined to show me how to do them.

So now it is just me and I have to make ALL THE DECISIONS. They feel huge and daunting. I just want to run away. I am having a difficult time deciding if and what I want to eat for any given meal, much less making decisions about the house, finances or my future.

I have also realized that fear is a huge issue for me. Fear has been my companion for years. I have become deeply acquainted with fear and it has become my normal. God has been showing me for some time now that it is time to bid that friend adieu. I have shared this with a few  from church and my closest friends, now I am sharing it with you.

The thing is, I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of doubting my each and every move. So I am trying to face my fears and truly move forward. I do not know what my future holds but I am holding on to the promise of God’s amazing daily gifts. Today I got out of my newly arranged bed and had a cup of coffee in my new creative space. I typed this post on my new computer, one that I purchased myself. I really don’t know what my future holds as far as work or career, but I know that I should write. I have this house, which needs some work  (we gutted the downstairs bathroom two weeks before Sonny died). So it is my plan to build up this blog. I want to write about my life, decorating and cooking. I want to encourage others and maybe even help make single moms and widows lives better. I do not know how this will play out or even if it will but I am trusting God and you with my dream.

Sonny didn’t tell me what I should do because he knew that if he had, I would have done it. He didn’t want to put me in a position of feeling obligated. He knew that I was comfortable with his making so many decisions for us. He knew that I could manage. So today is a new start, a new opportunity to move in the best direction, forward.