Today marks six weeks since Sonny died. These six weeks have been both a life and a second in time. Remember when you were pregnant or had a baby? You marked time by days and weeks. In pregnancy this continues until delivery ( I am 41 weeks, when will this baby come?)  After,  it lasts till somewhere between the 12 and 16 week mark. It occurs to me that death and birth are closely related. I have read the stories of others and it seems they too mark their time in weeks. So by that measure I have a new,  infant and early grief. We are learning about each other and learning to live with this new person(me).

Also like life with a new baby, life with grief is disrupted.  Sleep for example is a desired but rarely achieved state of being. To sleep or not to sleep, that is the question. Most often I do/can not sleep well, even when I am simply exhausted. I fall asleep then wake up minutes afterwards with the inability to fall back asleep or I wake super early. My spirit is screaming for rest but my mind and body simply refuse.

I have also learned that I cannot go anywhere to escape this grief, no matter how hard I try. I have gone away, and this does help a little but the sadness is around every corner waiting to ambush me.  I also have rearranged my bedroom. It helps a little because it looks very different but it is still our room, with 16 years of memories. I find that outside is a good place for me, in the sunshine. Actually I find that almost anywhere except home is good, especially when I am alone. Somedays I feel that I want to leave this home and others I feel that I will stay. I might have both those feelings in the same day or even within 5 minutes of each other.

My mind is foggy, I. cannot make decisions so I have let that go. I get out of bed. I try to eat. I ask God to help me be productive in at least one thing, even if it is as simple as straightening a room, filling out paperwork or cooking a meal. All of these everyday tasks seem huge and sometimes insurmountable. Because of this I have let ALL THE DECISIONS go for now. I make only the decisions necessary for the moment or absolutely required for the moment.

But…but…. there have been glimpses of goodness lately. The return of spontaneous laughter, feeling a sense of purpose, joy in worship, family and friends. I am learning new things about myself every day. I am learning how to be independent, how to make big decisions and how to move forward. I am learning to let go of expectations, both perceived and real. I am putting one foot in front of the other each day, asking God for guidance and trusting Him for that guidance. He has shown up and been good to me. He has loved me and comforted me. He is good. I trust Him. That is simple and easy for me because He has proved Himself faithful.

So I continue down this path set before me, not knowing what each day will bring. Some days will be sorrowful but others will not. I pray for the not days to out number the sorrowful ones. My infant grief will continue to grow, it is not going to go away. I cannot run away or run from it, I must face and experience it. One day at a time.