Four months ago you flew away. Your soul was released to fly. No longer would you struggle with each breath, you exhaled your last before our eyes and WENT. I will never in my life forget the image of your going and how much I wanted you to both STAY and be FREE.

I have not know a braver and stronger person and you continue to help us be brave and strong in the here and now.

But I miss you, terribly. I think that I am doing OK, then BOOM.

I try to put one foot in front of each other, to move on but there is no moving on. That part is a lie. There is moving forward, inch by miserable inch but no moving on. I am still tethered here, to this earth. This Earth which holds pain, sorrow and hurt in its atmosphere. Somedays it is stifling and we feel that we cannot possibly breathe, like the thick sweet  humidity of a hot southern day. It sits on every pore of our bodies and leaves us dripping wet with storms of tears that only relieve this grief for a moment.

I have traveled here and there looking for escape, but there is no escape. The grief follows me everywhere. At times I feel that I might have left it behind even for a moment but it is always there, lurking just beyond my periphery, waiting to sneak up on me when I am not looking.

Here I am, tethered to the earth. Wishing that I could fly to you but seeing the pain in our children and knowing that I cannot. I must stay. I must live, even when I do not want to live without you.

Here, I am tethered to this earth, wishing I could fly. Wishing I could extend my range of movement, look beyond this or that mountain, road or hill and see my future.

Here I am tethered to this earth, feeling the battering of the storm and hoping for peace and calm.

Here, tethered to this earth, I am desiring to FLY. You told me to FLY. You told us all to FLY. You gave us wings even as you spread yours and WENT.

One day, I promise I will FLY.

I will be free to be the woman God made me to be.

I will be free to be the woman you always believed me to be, the one you loved, cherished and valued.

But today I am tethered to this earth.