Today I got a notification from Facebook about a trip Sonny and I took in 2013. That year we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and he wanted to surprise me with the honeymoon we never had. He planned for months, with the kids assistance. All I knew was to pack for a trip where I would need a swimsuit and clothing for warm weather.

When we showed up at the RDU airport, he told the check-in person that the trip was a surprise so she had me step away from the counter and helped him keep the secret through the first part of the journey to Miami. I didn’t find out where we were going until we had landed and walked through the airport several times, he making me guess which place he was taking me.

You see, at the time his left leg was causing him so much trouble. He never complained though. We had been taking him to a wound care doctor because the tumors he suffered from were becoming superficial and thus open and bleeding. The doctors worked so hard with us to make it possible for him to take this trip. I didn’t know it then but soon after we returned we would receive the devastating  news that he would lose that leg, all the way to the hip.

Sonny lived in the moment, he wanted to do this in spite of the difficulties he faced with his diagnosis. He lived like this every day, even until the end. In doing that he gave us all such courage and the ability to push forward. But he wasn’t always like that.

When I say he wanted to do this for the honeymoon we hadn’t had, I mean that we were married quickly. I was pregnant with our first child. We were planning on getting married but not until he finished graduate school.  It was a tough time for us. As far as society has come, it is hard for someone to tell family that they are pregnant and life plans need to change (plus this was the South and the 80’s). On top of everything his family didn’t even know about me. So he had to call and tell them not only did he have a girlfriend, but she was pregnant.

We had no money to speak of but friends and family banded around us and we had a wedding in 14 days, in a church.  I in a beautiful 80’s wedding gown ( I loved that dress….) and he in a tuxedo a bit too small. His brother stood by his side and my girlfriends from college stood by mine, being bridesmaids, playing the piano and singing. Our campus minister from Mars Hill married us. Less than ideal it was, but perfect in many ways.

So we didn’t have a honeymoon. He struggled for a long time with so much guilt over not doing things in the proper order, so to speak. He carried guilt over hurting his parents in that way. He lugged this idea around for years that God was unwilling to forgive his screw up’s. He felt that there was no point in trying to do something over that should have been done right the first time. It permeated out marriage and caused a lot of hurt, in me and him. I was trying to move forward and he could not.

The truth is that God does not work like that, His love for us is not conditional upon our being perfect or even good. He loves us just as we are even when we are screwing up. Sonny learned that, not overnight, but over many years of God’s tireless work in his heart. His cancer diagnosis was one of the pivotal moments where he experienced God’s immeasurable love for himself and of us as a couple and a family.  At the end of his life he was at peace with God and looked forward to finally meeting  the Father, Son and Spirit who had changed his perspective and outlook so drastically.

So I look back today, with Facebook’s help and remember that trip for what it was. We had more than a honeymoon, he laughed, we may have had little too much to drink, we swam in the ocean, we drove around a beautiful city and ate local food. We walked in caves and climbed a mountain. It was fabulous and so worth the wait. He was able to give me more that a trip, he was able to give me unconditional love and memories that will last forever. We had time together.

We received the news of the needed amputation a  week or so after we returned. Our life changed dramatically after that. He thought he would be up in the hospital a day or two afterward, jaunting around on his crutches. He stayed for a month, becoming septic and having to have another surgery to save his life. The next years he experienced the  terrible chemo that robbed him of his appetite and love for good food ( especially Indian food),  aged him and limited his ability to go most places he had enjoyed before. He never was able to get into the ocean afterwards, or swim in a pool. We never danced again or stood and held each other. He could not pick up his grandchildren or run around and play with them . He lost so much but at the same time gained what was most valuable. He loved well and completely, with abandon. He spent more time praying for us than getting angry with us. He had patience with people and began to see that they also were struggling. It is not my intention to put him on a pedestal but to point out the change that God brought in him.

I hope to continue his legacy. I hope to love people well. To love with abandon and to live in the moment. I encourage you to not wait until a devastating diagnosis to LIVE. Love your people. Spend time with your families. Take your spouse out for something special and make memories. Above all know that God is there wherever you find yourself, in good and terrible times. There is no place you can go where He will not be.