Work, work, work, work, work….I know you are humming that tune in your head now. If it gets stuck there well…..

I have changed jobs and am working the most regular hours I have worked in years, even if the are not really regular by comparison to the non-medical world. I also was working both jobs for a short period. Now that is over and I hope to get into a routine that allows me to have some sort of life that includes writing and well, life!

I am still working on my office, the saga of changing the light is one that I will share with you at some point. The painting is done but there are shelves to put up, a desk to refinish and general decorating. I have also started decorating for fall. I usually decorate 3 times ( kinda) during the autumn- early fall, halloween and then Thanksgiving. This year I just don’t have it in me so one time will be plenty. I will eventually post decor on here, I promise!

Today though, I thought to share something that happened to me that has been a bit freeing. I have struggled so much with Sonny’s actual death. It was very traumatic for us because even though he was in hospice care that is not how we thought he would die. We were told that he would probably deteriorate slowly and we would have a good idea when the time would be near. The night before he did die we had a wonderful day, he visited with friends and the kids, watched some TV and had a good dinner together , which he seemed to enjoy. When I got him settled into bed that night I kissed him, he told me he wanted chicken curry which I said I would make soon and we fell asleep.

My life turned upside down suddenly that dark Easter morning. We had discussed church that day and he was absolutely adamant the he wanted to go to church, even though he had not been in months. He also had a real fear of the suffering involved in dying,  not in death itself, but the possible pain or suffering he might endure. I will confess that I hoped he might die peacefully in his sleep, for his sake and mine. I was afraid. He didn’t’t talk much about dying except to tell me he was fearful of the suffering. I have suffered flashbacks of that night, of his face and the fear in his eyes. He could not breathe and there was very little we could do for him except give  medication and hold his hand. It was by no means what I had expected.

I have dreamed of him several times, always with two legs. Always. Also he has not looked ill in my dreams. One night a few weeks back though I had the most vivid dream yet and it has been a gift from God.

We were in some kind of store and he was not only walking around, he was climbing on things, moving with agility he had not had in years. He told me that he had found a fruit which his mother used to cook for him and he wanted me to make it for him. He took out a knife and cut a piece and said, ‘taste and see, it is good”.  Then he proceeded to talk to me and tell me how much better he felt. ” I feel so much better”, he told me this several times. He told me that he could now eat anything he wanted and that it tasted so good and that he ” just felt so much better”.

I knew it was him, but he didn’t look like himself. He didn’t look unlike himself either. I cannot explain it, I just knew him. He looked so… I don’t even know the word to use. Healthy, content, joyful, youthful,  at peace…. whole.

I will put here that I don’t necessarily believe that he himself came to me in a dream. I honestly don’t know what to believe But I do believe that God does give us gifts to help us on our journey. I have been asking God every since that fateful night to help me see where Sonny has gone. I have believed in heaven and hell since I was young, but have truly not given it much thought after that. But one minute Sonny was with us and then he was GONE. And those last minutes were in suffering, it was haunting me.

I have felt a peace since that dream. ” I feel so much better” ,  I cannot tell you what those words mean to me. He is not left in suffering. He is whole and eating good food ( which you know he loved to do!). I can move forward in peace knowing that he is in good hands. When he was alive we had many talks about life after he was gone. I begged him for advice. He only said I want you to be happy. He lived the best he could and he encourage us to keep living, then and now. So I will,  even though the tears still do come, I will move forward. I know I cannot look backwards and lament what is not , so I chose to look forward and hope for the future- here and now.