What is it like to be alive, feel alive?

Sometimes feeling alive is just plain painful. The moments and experiences are a constant reminder of your life and its unpleasantness. Kinda like a splinter in your foot that you cannot remove, each step is a sharp or dull sensation that reminds you of its presence.

That is how life has been for us these last few years. Alive, yes but always looking for death. An ever-present companion in our lives. We learned to live with death and to push toward the life that accompanied it. We held on and tried to experience every precious detail.

I had a moto, so to speak, “open-handed living”. that is the word God gave me. Live with expectation, accepting each circumstance with open hands- both the good and the bad. You see, we discovered that holding our hands open to both the good and the difficult made way for God to work in amazing ways. God tells us that we should expect to suffer and there is a mystery in that, we share in Christ’s suffering and we find blessing and joy in it. If we hold our fist to God, we only hurt ourselves. He dwells in the dark and hard places, He brings light and life into difficult circumstances.

I think of my children and their spouses. As their mother, I see beautiful people. But as an onlooker these last few years, I am astounded with their character. A group of friends sent letters to each family member, they were beautiful but a few were written by someone that had lost a parent early in life. His letters were astonishing, full of Christ and His love. Difficult times have the opportunity to make strong, empathetic, wonderful people. My people are strong, beautiful, and they love each other and God. What else could a mother ask for? I thank God for His amazing work in each of their lives and for the pain that precipitated it.

During the years of living with cancer, I slowly became able to thank God for cancer. I told my friend during a prayer time that she should thank God for her husband’s illness. She said she wanted to hit me, but has found it to be true. Sher recently reminded me of this and told me that I have to thank God for the gift of loneliness.  All of these things are gifts from the one who loves us passionately, seeks to make us more like Christ and wants the very best for us. Yes, He does want and gives us the very best, even if the very best is sickness and death.

What is your circumstace? Is it sickness, death, marital problems or money troubles? Are your children struggling? Are you depressed or feel like dying? I have been there my friend, but God was/is faithful and He wants you to live. Is there a small part of you that can thank Him for these splinters, big and small painful and annoying? Even telling Him that you want to be thankful, but aren’t able to be is the first step.

Even more importantly,

He has been there

He knows your pain, separation, fear, anxiety, sadness. He wants to dwell in the midst of it and make you are a more beautiful person. He loves you with a passion that cannot be explained. Trust me. Trust Him. Just take a chance and give Him your splinter.