I think I can fool myself, spending time trying to convince my brain that this season is just any season. That these days are not important or special and that pushing through will be the best for me.

Not so.

I was telling my friend, who has also experienced the loss of a husband, that lately, it feels as if I am back in April. The grief is always near the surface as are the tears. I have said it before and I’ll say it again that I despise crying. It doesn’t usually happen at a convenient time ie; when I am alone. The tears well up when I am talking to strangers, friends, and family, ugh. They make your head hurt.  I have been a push through girl for a long time. A crisis occurs, then I figure out how to handle it and move forward. Grief, I am discovering, is not like that.

I have spent the last 30 Thanksgiving/Christmas’s with someone who is no longer here. We made memories with our children. Our oldest will be 29 in Jan. That’s a long time to create memories and traditions. I wanted to make the holidays special for our family.  We decorated, baked cookies, cooked,  sang carols and lived and loved each other well. I remember all the special Christmas mornings where Sonny and I would be up to the wee hours putting together the bikes and other toys needing assembly. I worked hard and making the presents beautiful, just to fill the kids with awe.

Last year was probably the best Christmas we ever had together. It had nothing to do with the gifts, it had to do with being present and intentional. We knew it would be our last together and we made it count. We laughed and sang and spent time together. This year I  just feel so woefully inadequate. My family is struggling and hurting and I can truly not make it better. It hurts my heart to see then so sad and all I can do is say I am sorry- inadequate.

So God has been speaking to me. I cannot count how many times I have heard the phrase  ‘lean in.’ Lean in. Don’t push through. Grief cannot be rushed. Feel. Cry. Experience that which is before me. That is hard for me to do, I am a fixer, a doer and not a very good leaner.  But I am learning and asking God to help me lean in. I want to make it through these days, be a source of strength for my kids and find joy in the season. I don’t want to waste a moment. There is no great lesson or big defining statement of this post, just a serious desire to make it to the other side while being present and living in the experiences that God has put before me. Every moment is a chance to trust God to guide me in leaning in toward the hurt and sadness, toward Him. He dwells with us in our hard places. So as I lean in, I lean in with and toward Him. He, in turn, meets me right where I am.

I know that many of you are struggling during this season. I encourage you to explore what leaning in means for you. Let us live. Let us love. Let us cry and experience the emotions. Grief cannot be rushed.