I am a badass. I have survived (up to this point) and tried each and every day to do what Sonny did himself and expected us to do. So I thought I’d toot my own horn, for posterities sake and list some of my badass accomplishments of the last 13 months.

I have gotten out of the bed for the last 389 days, every damn day! My feet have touched the ground and I have done something every day, maybe not productive but that’s just fine.

I have faced the Great Alone ( as I so aptly named it early on). I have not liked it/ do not like it but lately, I can honestly say that it is (gasp) even peaceful to have the alone time.

My faith has changed/evolved/grown in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I have struggled with God and in some ways still struggle but I love Him deeply and feel that He is working something awesome ( yet to be seen ) in me. I am learning to trust the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.

I have been angry and volatile BUT I haven’t killed anyone. Yea me!! I might have come close a few times but everyone is intact, with all their limbs…Not killing people is a good good thing.

My language might have become a little more…colorful…Sometimes the best word is simply a colorful one and no other will do. My badass self applauds me for letting that shit out. Out is always better than in- leaving it inside is toxic.

I have learned to let ALL THE THINGS go. Expectations are the downfall of the griever. Be kind to and lower your expectations of yourself. Give yourself (and others) grace to let grief play out the way it will. There is NO formula for correct grief nor is there a timeline.

I am learning to take care of me. this involves:

Sleeping or at least attempting to sleep; some days it is harder than others. Insomnia and being unable to sleep is very common for a person who has lost a loved one.

Eating or at least attempting to eat. Eating is also one of those things that has been hard for me to do, also very common for folks in my shoes. Amy’s Organic frozen meals are a standby as are cheese sticks and yogurt. I have reverted to my toddler self but at least I am eating. I used to love cooking, that has become a chore. Cooking for one after cooking for a large crowd- not so fun. But lately, I have been feeling the desire to cook again- at least a little.

EXERCISE. I’d honestly say this has been the very best thing I have done for me. Yoga has been pivotal in helping with the anxiety grief creates. I rode a bike last week for the first time in ( many many) years. I felt like I was 10 again- I’m getting myself a bike. It was glorious! I have found my best times with God have come after a good workout.

I have designed/decorated/ repaired around my home. My kids have helped me clean out my nasty garage, put up lights, take out desks. I have finished the blue room/library/music room. That room tried to kill me but I didn’t allow it. I am a designing badass.

Work, career, job, that was a major stressor for me. These last few years I worked very little and essentially only did what was absolutely necessary to stay employed. I felt out of touch with my nursing career. Also, I had a bit of PTSD after Sonny’s death and being a nurse and understanding what was happening didn’t help. I needed a change. I know that this job was a gift from God. The hours got me out of my home and with lovely people during the evening, I have been able to rediscover my love of caring for families and babies and I have supported myself ( hell yea- you badass woman)! I am exploring having my own business and trusting God with His timing. I have kicked fear’s sorry arse to the curb. He tries to limp back but eventually, my strong badass self gets it together and kicks him out again.

My badass self-has gotten stronger in her body, mind, heart, and spirit and today I am proud of her.  When I exercise I feel my core muscles holding me up, my plank is strong, my pushups are getting there. My heart is learning to grieve the loss of love, let go and knows that there is  (and desires)  more love to enjoy. My mind is brave and fierce and tells me that I can do ( insert all the hard crap here) and I do it. Eventually. And that is just fine. My badass self is learning day by day to accept and love me for me, grab life and live. The thing I have felt since the beginning is that life will not be ignored. It pokes and prods you and begs to be lived. Life is a gift.

I love the show Call The Midwife ( watch it- now) and Sister Monica Jane has wise words often. These are her words this week:

“We have mourned enough in recent weeks. We have shed tears for one we loved and lived in the hollow she (he)  left behind. We are not what we have lost, we are not what has been taken from us. You are all too willing to embrace the void. If you do not cherish what remains you will all become as nothing. We are not broken, we are each as whole as we will ever be again”.