Good morning, I am sitting in my friend’s house in beautiful PA. I’ve been awake since 5:30ish ( oh sleep why have you left me???)  and awake usually means the brain turns on and starts spinning. Haven’t written lately and I’ve missed it.

This year has been one of more travel that I have ever done, much of it alone. Which I have NEVER done before this time. I am on a few grief support groups on Facebook etc and one of the large overlying things I see/hear is the need to escape/get away/ r.u.n….if you’ve lost your person you get it. Sometimes I am in my car and I think I’ll just drive far far away,  come home when I am damn good and ready. I haven’t done it yet but be sure it is probably gonna happen.

While talking with my friend Beth yesterday I was able (for the first time)  to articulate why getting away, for me, is a real need. When I am home (ALONE) ,  all I have is me and the memories. They surround me, meet me in every nook and cranny. I see the small bits of evidence of my prior life everywhere and it just plain hurts. It is oppressive and a force upon my very being. It is big and strong, often the grief feels bigger than life.

Yesterday we were out on a lake, kayaking. Have mercy it was sooooo beautiful. Clear water, warm  (not hot) sun on my shoulders, beautiful pine and hardwoods, flowers, LILLY PADS (!)…..stunning and serene.  I told Beth that being outside has been such good medicine and  suddenly I knew why.  The grief which is so big inside my home/existence/mind/life suddenly feels smaller in comparison to what surrounds me. I see and feel God’s presence,  I hear other things beside my own inner voice- bird song, children, water rushing, life….It puts grief in its place.

This trip has been so full of love and laughter between two people separated by years and miles. We found each other years ago, when we both had small children and babies, we were fast friends. We both moved away, got busy raising our families and until the magic of Facebook, fell out of touch.When we found each other it was if we had never been separated, out friendship just started where we had left it. Beth is also one of those people who has just been there for me during this time. Because of the distance she could not often be present but she was always there.  That my friends is what a grieving person needs,  presence in the midst of their heartbreak. You cannot/SHOULD NOT try to fix it. First there is no fixing things and the person is not broken and does not need fixing– we must walk through it- every one of us in some way or the other. Sometimes it is a word of love or encouragement, often it is silence, maybe it is raising a little hell to let off  the anger…just be there, even if you can’t be present lend your presence.

I’ve learned other lessons from the kayak during this time- perhaps I’ll share another day. Suffice it to say that some creeks might look like rivers and act like rivers after it has been raining. Perhaps learning to kayak on said river might not be the best of ideas…I’ll be pondering this one for a while…Jesus take the wheel….paddle….. ok, just HELP!  Until then you never know ( when I am not at work…gotta pay for my escaping) where I might wonder off to next time!

Theresa