What does 2020 bring to you? I have been pondering this question/idea since December of last year ( sounds like so long ago). In many ways I am still so unsure. But I have a feeling deep inside of me that good change is around the corner. That’s why I’ve given my year the title:

The Year of Im(Possibilities)

Allow me to attempt to add light to this phrase. I’ve been on my own now for 3 years and 9 months. At first I felt like I was drowning. I was in survival mode. Each successive minute, hour, day, week, month, season and year has brought me to a better place. I was terrified of what would happen to me. I didn’t know if I could support myself, I had a fear of being homeless, of having to take care of the home that I live in…. I was afraid and anxious. I reached out to realtors twice to place my home on the market – I just wasn’t ready. Slowly but surely I have learned to face anxiety- which has been my constant companion for years and years. Everything felt IMPOSSIBLE.

Does everything feel possible now…NOPE. Even as I type these words, I feel my old buddy Anxiety gathering strength and rising up in my chest.

What if I cannot actually do this?

Do you really think you are able to give up everything you’ve known for the last 20+ years???

I’m so afraid that I will fail.

There’s still a lot of work to be done around here- mainly in cleaning out attic and garage spaces. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to get rid of lots of stuff but it all feels SO HARD.

But this year I feel that if there ever was a possible it is now. I’ve done so much that needed to be done here- renovated 3 our of 4 bathrooms, my kitchen, my floors, painted and decorated, made my weed laden yard a GARDEN. I’ve done it. I made the decisions, put in lots of sweat equity and accomplished this shit.

ALL.BY.MYSELF.

I CAN DO HARD THIGS.

I AM (MORE THAN) CAPABLE.

I AM STRONG.

So I am actually stating it out loud, for all to hear and see. Which in turn gives me anxiety, because If I don’t accomplish it then everyone will know….

But the truth is that in any accomplishment, it’s not the end result that defines a person. It is in their ability to get up and try and try again. So I will try. And perhaps at the end of 2021- I’ll be in a different home, growing flowers (or at least planning to) , having accomplished something hard and sad and wonderful all at the same time. And this time next year these Im(Possibilities) ( because there will always be struggles) will be behind me and what is new and POSSIBLE will be in front.